Week 2: Homesickness and independence

This was my first official week of being at UT, and it was really bittersweet. I loved living on my own, being on this beautiful campus, and hanging out with my friends; but being away from home was honestly so challenging for me. I missed my parents, my brother, and my cousins. I did go home over the weekend, but coming back was hard. I felt like the first week was kind of a tester week because it was only three days, and it was for me to get comfortable in my new surroundings; however, this week was where I actually had to start settling in. There was a sense of emptiness, and there would be a couple of hours every single day where I would have anxiety attacks and just panic because I was so overwhelmed. I have had issues with anxiety for over 8 years now, and I am still learning how to deal with it. When I get worried, I start going down this rabbit hole of all the negative possibilities associated with the context. I psych myself out and I really need to be with people I care about to get myself out of that zone. I learned the importance of leaving my room, meeting my friends, and doing new/fun things because they distracted me. Facetiming and talking to my family only went so far because they are not actually here. But, I know I need to be strong enough to actually be able to deal with my issues and help myself. I feel like depending on myself, not others, is a part of growth and development, which is one of the main reasons I wanted to move away from home. Of course it is a process, but I have always been sheltered and I think it is time for me to do things on my own. The homesickness will never go away, but there are so many other things to worry about. Acknowledging your feelings and missing home is normal, but don't get engulfed in that headspace because it takes time away from actually experiencing college and enjoying/building memories. The fact that I am actually alone here means that I am truly independent. No one will control my actions, it's crazy. I have never been stopped from doing anything even when I was home, but the feeling of actually doing everything on my own is new and somewhat exciting for me. Being in charge of my own schedule without anyone to tell me what to do seemed like a pretty cool idea, until the actual decision-making part comes into play. There are honestly no restrictions, like who is going to stop me from leaving my dorm to go to Whataburger at 3 am (I mean that isn't that smartest thing to do, but it's just an example.)? I feel like I am pretty level-headed and try to avoid making silly choices, but I'm still an indecisive person, so imagine me trying to figure my life out. Nonetheless, I have already learned so much. I had to clean my room for the first time, grocery shop, and do all my work/go to classes. Even though I only have four classes, I am so busy! It's hard to keep up with everything because there are so many due dates for each class. Everything happens simultaneously, and no one reminds you of what you need to get done. Don't fall behind, stay on top of everything. Even if you feel like you've done a lot and the semester isn't busy, try to get ahead - trust me, it'll help you later. There is always more to do (sadly). Another problem I had was learning how to manage my time because I have so much free time throughout the day, which is so foreign to me because high school was a routined schedule everyday. I have a habit of constantly needing to work because in high school I would non-stop, it was actually pretty sad. I know I sound hypocritical telling you to get a head-start and/or get ahead in your academics while still interacting with others socially, but both are possible! College has opened my eyes to actually having a social life, doing new things, and still being able to finish all my work on time. I've never combined academics with friends, but even just hanging out in the library can be fun for me. I'm telling you, being alone in college is just not the right move. Figuring out a balance is important, and don't worry - I will definitely cover time management in another post!